At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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