I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
