Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
