my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize