well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
