did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
