he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
