Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
