I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
