i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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