I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
