Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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