Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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