I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
