Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
