His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
