Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
