There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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