she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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