This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I will be naked everywhere
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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