Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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