My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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