and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize