Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
