I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
