I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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