My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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