mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
