Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
