And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
someone owes me an orgasm
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
