its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
