a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
