watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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