When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
