I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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