Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
nutella sex= disaster
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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