Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Are we still banned from the library?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
