I wish I could teleport
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need water and some morals
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
