Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
