I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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