Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
