Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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