why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
