I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
