I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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