I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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