Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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