There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
