Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
