Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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