He asked me if I "almost moaned"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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