Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
