I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
