Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
