She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
third nipple confirmed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
