A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
