Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize